Friend Request: Thomas Foolery

This last week has been surreal. As in, this can't be life. I have been getting lots of male attention (Mike Jones!) but the level of biscuit behavior (flakiness) and shenanigans is on a hoe notha levah. 

 Yet there is one particular occurrence of buffoonery that needs to be told.

Hair: Protective style 

Dress: Asos (On sale!) 

Acrylic bracelets: Om Imports

Shoes:  Jessica Simpson (A couple of seasons ago)

 So I'm on Facebook (I know, AGAIN with the Facebook,) A guy comments on a group post that I am a part of. In all caps. And continues to do so. So I comment and ask said dude what is wrong with him since he is #TeamAllCapsAirythang. He responds that he is joking and we go back and forth and dude then sends a friend request and inbox messages me. (So of course in FacebookLand we go together now.) About two minutes into the inbox convo, I watch in horror as my phone lights up and it says that THE.DUDE.IS.CALLING.ME. Huh? How? 

Unbeknownst to this chick right here, Facebook has a feature where you can call people if their phone number is connected to their Facebook account. Why Sway? I did not know of this! So I message dude and ask "Are you CALLING me?" to which he replies "Yes." So do I ignore the call or tell dude that he didn't even ask to call me? Nope, I answered the call. I am officially a member of #TeamBadDecisions

Okay so apparently Facebook, in all it's disrepectful glory, has also decided to allow not only calls but video calls at that. The call connects. Dude is at home. On the floor. Eating candy, With.....wait for it.....NO EFFING SHIRT ON. You read it correctly. Re-read it if you must. 

Ummmmm.....okay, well I will just tell y'all what happened. I immediately start laughing, but dude (or DWNSO - Dude With No Shirt On as he will be known) is oblivious and starts talking about himself, and how cute I am with my cheekbones, and that I have an oval face. 

DWNSO says that usually people with oval faces look like a spoon but I don't look like a spoon so that's good.  

 Did I hang up? I know you are yelling, "Girl, hang up!" But naaaawwwwwwllll I stayed on the phone. So dude proceeds to tell me, in between drinking a beer, that he is "working on" opening a food truck but he doesn't have the truck yet, he is staying with his cousin and her husband, and asks how tall I am."5'8," I say and he tells me that I am taller than him but he don't care because his ex-wife was taller than him too. 

Sir. So you mean to tell me that you are an unemployed cook, with no place to live, who is also shorter than 5 feet 8 inches tall? Oh how I wish this was some kind of cruel Nephew Tommy/Ricky Smiley setup call but it was for true. I have no words. Even when re-telling the story, I can't accurately describe the level of the foolery that I was experiencing. 

But the coup de grâce, the pièce de résistance, the icing on the gee dee cake was when DWNSO starts relaying to me that he is very successful in the bedroom area. *Insert a more vulgar expression here* as to what he really said. And it was at this point that I had to stop ole dude and tell him that I was gonna let him go. "Huh? What did I do?" he asked. 

Incredulous, I told him that for starters, who calls someone that they've never met with no shirt on?

"Oh is that all? Why didn't you say so? You should have told me," says dude as he looks around for a shirt to put on. Sir, that is the least of your issues. 

So thankfully the Gods of Monkey Business (or it might have been my finger) disconnects the call and I am trying to figure out what I need to do to get right with the Lord because he is obviously upset with me about something. 

But my misadventures are your gain, share my story with your friends and y'all say a special prayer for your girl. I am going to lay down on the alter with a bag of M&Ms, a bottle of water and a sleeping bag for a slumber party with the Lord, we definitely need to talk.....*

*This idea was given to me by my friend Val, she feels my pain......