I Ain't Here For That

I was reading Awesomely Luvvie's blog (and laughing hysterically of course, if you don't know her, check her out) and she wrote 5 Things She Wasn't Here For based on Steen's Tumblr post so I thought I'd tell yall 5 Things I'm Not Here For too.

(I've wanted these shoes ever since I pinned them on Pinterest.)

1. Exes - Remember my poignant story about the ex-boyfriend who apologized for not realizing what a catch I was when he had me? Well, he ended up saying some not so nice things to me (after trying to hook up with me repeatedly before that) so I had to unfriend his ignant ass on Facebook. (Yes I cursed and yes I said ignant, but it was warranted, I promise.) I really wanted to curse him out but I'm trying to be reformed yall and not go o-f-f! But I did think about it....

NOW I remember so well why we broke up.

(That's why we have reminders, people.)

2. Buying cell phones - I am NOT here for buying cell phones. I think that it is such a racket. I am the Queen of Not Upgrading, I seriously think that I have the first generation iPod, it still works so I use it. (No touch screen or nothing!) I enjoy the perks of technology but I don't want to pay (full price) for it! I  inquired about a new cell phone the other day and the woman told me that for $199 down and $20 a month I could upgrade to the Samsung S III. "I'm sorry, I must have misunderstood you maam...did you say $200 DOWN? How much is the phone? $600???? You've got me bent!"

(Do people still say that? Yall know I like to stay current.)

Does the phone also function as a hotplate and sex toy? Because other than that I can't see me paying that amount of money for a phone that will last a couple of years.

3. Spanx in the summer - Just the thought of wearing Spanx in this heat made me start to hyperventilate. Three summers ago I had taken a "hiatus" from working out (I was going through some thangs) so I weighed about 10 to 12 pounds more than I do now. I remember going on a movie date and wearing Spanx underneath my maxi dress to prevent booty jiggl-age. Halfway through the movie I went to the bathroom and took those suckers off and stuffed them in my purse. Now my booty is just gonna have to jiggle, I would rather have that than me passed out from heatstroke. Plus dudes like junk in the trunk, so let'em see what you're working with! (Except at church. Act right.)

4. Palm Readers - The last time that I was in the thrift store (where I found the dress that I'm wearing in this post) a woman made eye contact with me and said hello. I responded to her and she asked if she could read my palm. I told her that I didn't have any cash and she said that she would do it for free but maybe I could come visit her at her palm reading establishment. So I showed her my palm and she said that she saw that I hadn't been sleeping well. That was true except for the night before, I had awesome sleep that night. But I had just told my mom the week before that I hadn't been sleeping well so I gave her a pass for being somewhat right. Then she said that I needed to go to church more....maam...you could say that to anyone and they would agree with you unless they're the preacher's wife. She then said that I find it hard to trust people in relationships. Ummmm kaaaayyy, again, I think that could apply to a whole lotta people. Then she said, "People are jealous of you." THAT I believed! Just kidding, again applicable to anybody....I wanted to tell her that she was never gonna make any money this way and she should learn another trade but palm reading might be a lucrative business for all I know... Either way I ain't here for that...

5. People at the gym - I have upped my workouts this summer so I have been visiting the gym regularly during the day but I'm convinced that people who go to the gym during the day are lunatics. There's the super-exerciser who is constantly moving frantically in the classes like they're on crystal meth, the overexposed women with the see through workout pants (last count was 3), and the rhythmless people who always INSIST on being in the front of the class who are always a beat off from the music (sometimes they are also the super-exercisers.) I find myself laughing at my expression in the mirror when these things occur...

Earrings: Aldo

Dress: Thrifted

Sunglasses: Pitaya

Bracelets: InPink/Forever 21

Shoes: Jessica Simpson

So tell me good people, what things are YOU not here for? Can you relate to any of mine?

This sign was at the mall for a Dallas Cowboy autograph signing so I took advantage of the opportunity to have a little fun:

NEXT!