Monday, July 13, 2015

Friend Request: Thomas Foolery

This last week has been surreal. As in, this can't be life. I have been getting lots of male attention (Mike Jones!) but the level of biscuit behavior (flakiness) and shenanigans is on a hoe notha levah. 
 Yet there is one particular occurrence of buffoonery that needs to be told.
Hair: Protective style 
Dress: Asos (On sale!) 
Acrylic bracelets: Om Imports
Shoes:  Jessica Simpson (A couple of seasons ago)

 So I'm on Facebook (I know, AGAIN with the Facebook,) A guy comments on a group post that I am a part of. In all caps. And continues to do so. So I comment and ask said dude what is wrong with him since he is #TeamAllCapsAirythang. He responds that he is joking and we go back and forth and dude then sends a friend request and inbox messages me. (So of course in FacebookLand we go together now.) About two minutes into the inbox convo, I watch in horror as my phone lights up and it says that THE.DUDE.IS.CALLING.ME. Huh? How? 

Unbeknownst to this chick right here, Facebook has a feature where you can call people if their phone number is connected to their Facebook account. Why Sway? I did not know of this! So I message dude and ask "Are you CALLING me?" to which he replies "Yes." So do I ignore the call or tell dude that he didn't even ask to call me? Nope, I answered the call. I am officially a member of #TeamBadDecisions

Okay so apparently Facebook, in all it's disrepectful glory, has also decided to allow not only calls but video calls at that. The call connects. Dude is at home. On the floor. Eating candy, With.....wait for it.....NO EFFING SHIRT ON. You read it correctly. Re-read it if you must. 

Ummmmm.....okay, well I will just tell y'all what happened. I immediately start laughing, but dude (or DWNSO - Dude With No Shirt On as he will be known) is oblivious and starts talking about himself, and how cute I am with my cheekbones, and that I have an oval face. 
DWNSO says that usually people with oval faces look like a spoon but I don't look like a spoon so that's good.  

 Did I hang up? I know you are yelling, "Girl, hang up!" But naaaawwwwwwllll I stayed on the phone. So dude proceeds to tell me, in between drinking a beer, that he is "working on" opening a food truck but he doesn't have the truck yet, he is staying with his cousin and her husband, and asks how tall I am."5'8," I say and he tells me that I am taller than him but he don't care because his ex-wife was taller than him too. 

Sir. So you mean to tell me that you are an unemployed cook, with no place to live, who is also shorter than 5 feet 8 inches tall? Oh how I wish this was some kind of cruel Nephew Tommy/Ricky Smiley setup call but it was for true. I have no words. Even when re-telling the story, I can't accurately describe the level of the foolery that I was experiencing. 

But the coup de grâce, the pièce de résistance, the icing on the gee dee cake was when DWNSO starts relaying to me that he is very successful in the bedroom area. *Insert a more vulgar expression here* as to what he really said. And it was at this point that I had to stop ole dude and tell him that I was gonna let him go. "Huh? What did I do?" he asked. 

Incredulous, I told him that for starters, who calls someone that they've never met with no shirt on?
"Oh is that all? Why didn't you say so? You should have told me," says dude as he looks around for a shirt to put on. Sir, that is the least of your issues. 

So thankfully the Gods of Monkey Business (or it might have been my finger) disconnects the call and I am trying to figure out what I need to do to get right with the Lord because he is obviously upset with me about something. 

But my misadventures are your gain, share my story with your friends and y'all say a special prayer for your girl. I am going to lay down on the alter with a bag of M&Ms, a bottle of water and a sleeping bag for a slumber party with the Lord, we definitely need to talk.....*

*This idea was given to me by my friend Val, she feels my pain......


Anonymous said...

Lawd Jezzusss! Dis tew much!!!

Angela Hyman said...

I have not laughed this hard in a long time! Thanks for sharing this story. Let me go back and read this just so I can laugh again!

Candice said...

Oh my word have I missed reading your post! This is by far the funniest thing I've read in a minute,lol!

Lisa Robles said...

You made tears of laughter pour out of my face! I happened upon your blog when I pinned one of your many fabulous outfits on to a pinterest board. This post made my day!

laniza said...

Pure foolishness! Lmbo!

Dawnya said...

I can't stop laughing long enough to for. A coherent thought. DWNSO just made my day. LOL

Zara Willis said...

I am sorry this happened, but ... that ish was FUNNY! Girl I am glad you are back blogging. But know that God has a sense of humor too! LOL!

Anonymous said...

I too have missed your post. You are hilarious. So glad you are back. What is wrong with these men? They don't have a clue. And FACEBOOK IS EVIL!!

Cynthia Kindred said...

Now while I know this was crazy I guess I was at the start saying - why did you answer. You just confirmed for DWNSO that yes that is your number - I would have sent that call right to my non descript voicemail and left it at that.

So now he has your number and will be calling at anytime. He is too bold to even believe that you would be interested in his umemployed, no place to live shorter than you self ha ha.

Anonymous said...

I refuse to believe that's a true story - it just can't be... what made this dude think anything he had to offer was attractive??

Melanie said...

"Girl, hang up"

Ms. Tee said...

I am cracking up...too many highlights to this story. I've never heard people with oval-shaped faces being compared to spoons. Facebook is so disrespectful!

Miesha Roshawn said...

Real tears!!!!

Chay said...

Oh my! This is wore than some of my friends online dating stories. #icant #shameonFacebook

Juanette said...

Oh how I wish it was not a true story.....

Nattypisces said...

Yep, same thing happened to me. And I had the nerve to tell the person that they couldn't possibly call me through FB. The lie detector determined that was LIE. *Maury voice*

Style & Poise said...

Super cute dress...I had this dress saved in my cart for when it went on sale and it sold out on me but you look fab doll!


Anonymous said...

So Funny! Thiese men are on the hot mess express these days. I feel your pain!!!

Miss T said...

Omg. I had two good hearty chuckles from reading this.

Michelle Thiongane said...

Oh Girl! I missed your posts. I was laughing hard at this post. And I am sorry I did it. But this was too much. I blame this dude attitude on social media. And who knew Facebook let you call people. That is some scary ish. No wonder why there are many stalkers out there...But no worries. God ain't mad at you. As we say, He is only testing you. And I guess with this dude, you just passed the test.
BTw, you still look good. I would date you but am into

YaYa R said...

Thank you for sharing this. I had a good laugh and I cannot believe you answered the phone and even entertained him that long. Hopefully soon you will be sharing dating success stories instead of these crazies who have been coming after you.

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